Over the past year or so I have given great thought to how I am fostering or hindering independence in my children (ages 16, 13, 10). So, we have taken action! We have worked at this concept in ways that fit our family and the expectation of independence is different for each child, as they are different ages and at different stages.
I think I have been under some false pretense that DOING for my kids means I‘m a good Mom. I want to be clear; supporting my kids by attending a school event, watching a game or telling them to go to Google for math help - all seem reasonable to me. I think the trouble is the OVER DOING. What am I doing for my kid that they can do for themselves?
I have definitely contributed to the lack of independence in certain areas with my three kids. Working at improving these areas is not simple, but I am learning very necessary. The struggle is real!
Allowing my kids to make their own lunches, do their own laundry and yes wake themselves up for school have been major in our house. While they may seem little to some, it is big for our family! Plus, all those little things add up to one big dependent child!
Expecting independence can be challenging. Let me tell you, my kids are wonderful but they do not do laundry the way I like, basically the folding part- but hey they are doing it! Progress over perfection here! Oh, and when I want to pack my oldest child’s lunch, when I do not like what he is packing, I remind myself how lucky we are to have a house full of food and that kid will not learn if I keep interfering. There are some deeper independence concepts too! Ones that require independence in other ways – they involve resilience, courage, and responsibility! Talk about challenging!
I was shocked this past summer when picking my 10 year old up from baseball camp; quite a few parents were packing up their kids sports gear and carrying the bag for their child. I have packed some bags for my kids and even carried them at certain points – but not sure this type of serving my kids is cultivating independent young people!
When that lovely team comes to clean my home every other week – I am starting to think (while I LOVE this) it is not helping my family – it is making them a bit over privileged and entitled. How are they learning to clean? Do they need to know how to clean? Do they appreciate that we pay for this privilege? Am I willing to try and implement the family cleaning the house? Maybe? Probably not!! We will see?!?! Not sure I’m this crazy!
Prepping our kids for their future does not start in their senior year of high school – it must start earlier!!! Like in preschool!! Well, better late than never!
As my kids get older and closer to college and beyond – I get that panicky feeling– are they ready and prepared to dive into the world of daily independent decision making on campus and beyond?
If you spend some time reading articles on kids today being prepared for college – many young people are not ready to be independent. They seem to have the grades, scores and other brilliant qualities – but the basic independent skills are lacking! This is scary! It’s like parents have become too involved and it is not helping our kids as they mature!
This parenting thing is a journey! It is joyful and it can be tough! Some days I look and feel like I got it down, and then some days I‘m just trying to figure it out! What I do know is helping my kids become independent souls is certainly a good idea! While I may cringe at their techniques; I will hold on to making steps in the right direction! Maybe I will take that extra time to relax or get some other things done that my kids can’t do!!!